Ah, traffic. You sit in your gas-guzzler listening to the radio or Ipod or whatever else that may be blaring from the speakers while inching forward, trying to intimidate the driver in front of you. He doesn't budge.
Traffic does get irritating, but the real reason we have traffic is because of all of the drivers out there. And when drivers start behaving like idiots on the road, it's even more infuriating.
Here's my frustrated list of top freeway no-no's for those incompetent fools out there who think they know all the rules of the road.
1. The Impassable Wall.
GAH. This one's just a representation of the sheer stupidity of some ppl. I start digging my claws into the steering wheel and shout curses inside my sound-proof car when I see this. A line of
4 slow-moving cars, all side-by-side, blocking the entire freeway and not letting anybody pass. More common on 2-lane roads, this phenomenon, logically speaking, should not even exist. Firstly, why would you drive NEXT to someone?! This effectively eliminates your ability to change lanes for the duration of your placement, and if a Matrix-style battle erupted in your vicinity and Agent Smith decided to land on the stretch of ground directly in front of you, you'd be waving byebye to the thousands you spent purchasing your car.
Secondly.. why would you be driving at the same speed as someone three lanes to your right?! The left lane is known as the "fast lane" for a reason.. bringing me to point 2..
2. Slow Drivers (Slow-ies) in the Fast Lane
Ok, so I drive like a maniac. I admit it. But there are some of you out there who REFUSE to admit that you drive like a snail taking a leisurely stroll down the street. I've seen people doing
60 on the left lane. They completely ignore the drivers passing them to their right, and they drown out the shouts and insults with their radio. If you're gonna obey the speed limit, do it on the two right lanes. Stay out of the leftmost lane; it's reserved for us speed hogs to race each other. Some may say they're attempting to slow people down to avoid getting caught by the popo. So what if we're more likely to get a ticket? Why would you care if we did get one? When did drivers become altruistic?
3. Variablists
It's fine if you're gonna go slow, I'll be aggravated but I'll just pass you and it'll be over. But then, here come those drivers who slow down in front of you, and when you pass them, they decide
you're playing "show-the-other-guy-your-license-plate". So they race ahead, merge into your lane, and then slow down again. When this happened to me the first time, I was confused. I thought the guy was pissed off at me for something, but then, he did the same to some other poor bloke, and I realized that that was just the way he drove his car.
Yes, I nearly tore up the entire interior of my car the first few times this happened, but I found a fix. I would change lanes, and drive up next to him, but wouldn't pass him (careful not to make
eye contact). He would speed up, and I would change back and follow behind him. This can be used for some slow drivers as well, especially those that you notice are always trying to avoid
driving with other cars next to them.
4. Slow mergers
I know this has happened to everyone who's driven on the freeway for more than a year. You are on the rightmost lane going moderately fast, and you see a merger signaling to enter the
freeway. Being the friendly, welcoming person you are, you hit the brakes to slow down and give sufficient room for that driver to enter. You wait. And you wait. You glance at your wristwatch. You wait some more. Traffic behind you slows to a crawl. Still waiting. His tail signal stops blinking. WHADAFRIGGIN..NYAH?!
You have just wasted a full 3 minutes of your life waiting for this guy to come in and he apparently didn't get the hint. You hit the accelerator, and the moment you pass him, he comes into your lane, almost scraping that new rear bumper you had waxed. Same thing happens with lane-changers. They take all the time in eternity to change lanes. And other times, after blinking for almost that long, they suddenly decide they now like the pavement in their lane better, and stop signaling. These people should stay OFF the freeway. Stick to the local streets. You've been warned.
5. Brakers
I saw this coming to work this morning. A driver with a mile or two of clear road stretched out before him, completely free, and you follow behind him expecting to go fast, grab some coffee, and clock in on time, your foot positioned on the accelerator, and he brakes. HE BRAKES. Ok, so there are some cases where this is acceptable, like if Jesus suddenly appeared before him and told him he should put his foot on the brake, or maybe he sees some freak accident a mile down the road. But if the braking is for some stupid reason, like "oh.. I think I'm going too fast. I should brake".. then I have only three words to say to them: YOU FRIGGIN NOOB@!!
Taking your foot off the accelerator makes the car slow down when you're going fast. Yes, it's twue. Give it a twy. Got it? Gwood. Now go pwactice with mommy until you learned the concept well. All done? Fantastic. I'll ask you one question: Taking your foot off the accelerator does what to the car? Did you say slow down? Cuz that's correct. Now go practice by yourself on the local roads. Finished? Ok, now there's one thing I need you to keep in mind when you're driving on the freeway: STAY OUT OF MY FRIGGIN LANE!!
6. Spacers
No, I'm not referring to people who space out while they drive, although that's also annoying and dangerous as well. I mentioned it in 5.. it's those individuals leaving a huge gap in front of them. This isn't so bad, but I still start throwing this inside my car when I realize I'm driving behind a slow-ie with a huge gap in front of him.
7. Constant lane-changers
Ok, so I'm guilty of this. But I at least take the time to signal and wait a second or two each and every time. I'm speaking here of those people in front of you who change lanes out of the blue
without signaling, and giving you a heart-attack because they almost rammed the front of your car with the back end of theirs. Again, I say to you, STAY OUT OF MY FRIGGIN LANE!!
8. Tailgaters
I'm also guilty of this, but only because I'm partly trying to get a clear view of their rear-view mirror so I can see if they're staring at me. Cuz I hate people who stare!! HULK MADD!! HULK
SMASH!!!
I mean those drivers who tail-gate so close that you can't brake properly because if you do, they'll have to swerve out of the lane to stop in time. I've sometimes heard tire squeals behind me and I inch forward a bit when I see 'em coming. For these guys, I press on my brakes slightly to make them think I'm a braker, and they'll change out of my lane. Problem solved.
This list was partially in order of most-aggravating to slightly annoying. If you have any suggestions for some other moronic behaviors you've seen on the road, or if you think this list is
kewlz0rz, or if you think it's not, please comment. This was the Angry Automobilist, over and out >:D
Saturday, March 15, 2008
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