The Mad List: Part 1. Freeway Road Rage

Ah, traffic. You sit in your gas-guzzler listening to the radio or Ipod or whatever else that may be blaring from the speakers while inching forward, trying to intimidate the driver in front of you. He doesn't budge.

Traffic does get irritating, but the real reason we have traffic is because of all of the drivers out there. And when drivers start behaving like idiots on the road, it's even more infuriating.
Here's my frustrated list of top freeway no-no's for those incompetent fools out there who think they know all the rules of the road.

1. The Impassable Wall.

GAH. This one's just a representation of the sheer stupidity of some ppl. I start digging my claws into the steering wheel and shout curses inside my sound-proof car when I see this. A line of
4 slow-moving cars, all side-by-side, blocking the entire freeway and not letting anybody pass. More common on 2-lane roads, this phenomenon, logically speaking, should not even exist. Firstly, why would you drive NEXT to someone?! This effectively eliminates your ability to change lanes for the duration of your placement, and if a Matrix-style battle erupted in your vicinity and Agent Smith decided to land on the stretch of ground directly in front of you, you'd be waving byebye to the thousands you spent purchasing your car.

Secondly.. why would you be driving at the same speed as someone three lanes to your right?! The left lane is known as the "fast lane" for a reason.. bringing me to point 2..

2. Slow Drivers (Slow-ies) in the Fast Lane

Ok, so I drive like a maniac. I admit it. But there are some of you out there who REFUSE to admit that you drive like a snail taking a leisurely stroll down the street. I've seen people doing
60 on the left lane. They completely ignore the drivers passing them to their right, and they drown out the shouts and insults with their radio. If you're gonna obey the speed limit, do it on the two right lanes. Stay out of the leftmost lane; it's reserved for us speed hogs to race each other. Some may say they're attempting to slow people down to avoid getting caught by the popo. So what if we're more likely to get a ticket? Why would you care if we did get one? When did drivers become altruistic?

3. Variablists

It's fine if you're gonna go slow, I'll be aggravated but I'll just pass you and it'll be over. But then, here come those drivers who slow down in front of you, and when you pass them, they decide
you're playing "show-the-other-guy-your-license-plate". So they race ahead, merge into your lane, and then slow down again. When this happened to me the first time, I was confused. I thought the guy was pissed off at me for something, but then, he did the same to some other poor bloke, and I realized that that was just the way he drove his car.

Yes, I nearly tore up the entire interior of my car the first few times this happened, but I found a fix. I would change lanes, and drive up next to him, but wouldn't pass him (careful not to make
eye contact). He would speed up, and I would change back and follow behind him. This can be used for some slow drivers as well, especially those that you notice are always trying to avoid
driving with other cars next to them.

4. Slow mergers

I know this has happened to everyone who's driven on the freeway for more than a year. You are on the rightmost lane going moderately fast, and you see a merger signaling to enter the
freeway. Being the friendly, welcoming person you are, you hit the brakes to slow down and give sufficient room for that driver to enter. You wait. And you wait. You glance at your wristwatch. You wait some more. Traffic behind you slows to a crawl. Still waiting. His tail signal stops blinking. WHADAFRIGGIN..NYAH?!

You have just wasted a full 3 minutes of your life waiting for this guy to come in and he apparently didn't get the hint. You hit the accelerator, and the moment you pass him, he comes into your lane, almost scraping that new rear bumper you had waxed. Same thing happens with lane-changers. They take all the time in eternity to change lanes. And other times, after blinking for almost that long, they suddenly decide they now like the pavement in their lane better, and stop signaling. These people should stay OFF the freeway. Stick to the local streets. You've been warned.

5. Brakers

I saw this coming to work this morning. A driver with a mile or two of clear road stretched out before him, completely free, and you follow behind him expecting to go fast, grab some coffee, and clock in on time, your foot positioned on the accelerator, and he brakes. HE BRAKES. Ok, so there are some cases where this is acceptable, like if Jesus suddenly appeared before him and told him he should put his foot on the brake, or maybe he sees some freak accident a mile down the road. But if the braking is for some stupid reason, like "oh.. I think I'm going too fast. I should brake".. then I have only three words to say to them: YOU FRIGGIN NOOB@!!

Taking your foot off the accelerator makes the car slow down when you're going fast. Yes, it's twue. Give it a twy. Got it? Gwood. Now go pwactice with mommy until you learned the concept well. All done? Fantastic. I'll ask you one question: Taking your foot off the accelerator does what to the car? Did you say slow down? Cuz that's correct. Now go practice by yourself on the local roads. Finished? Ok, now there's one thing I need you to keep in mind when you're driving on the freeway: STAY OUT OF MY FRIGGIN LANE!!

6. Spacers

No, I'm not referring to people who space out while they drive, although that's also annoying and dangerous as well. I mentioned it in 5.. it's those individuals leaving a huge gap in front of them. This isn't so bad, but I still start throwing this inside my car when I realize I'm driving behind a slow-ie with a huge gap in front of him.

7. Constant lane-changers

Ok, so I'm guilty of this. But I at least take the time to signal and wait a second or two each and every time. I'm speaking here of those people in front of you who change lanes out of the blue
without signaling, and giving you a heart-attack because they almost rammed the front of your car with the back end of theirs. Again, I say to you, STAY OUT OF MY FRIGGIN LANE!!

8. Tailgaters

I'm also guilty of this, but only because I'm partly trying to get a clear view of their rear-view mirror so I can see if they're staring at me. Cuz I hate people who stare!! HULK MADD!! HULK
SMASH!!!

I mean those drivers who tail-gate so close that you can't brake properly because if you do, they'll have to swerve out of the lane to stop in time. I've sometimes heard tire squeals behind me and I inch forward a bit when I see 'em coming. For these guys, I press on my brakes slightly to make them think I'm a braker, and they'll change out of my lane. Problem solved.


This list was partially in order of most-aggravating to slightly annoying. If you have any suggestions for some other moronic behaviors you've seen on the road, or if you think this list is
kewlz0rz, or if you think it's not, please comment. This was the Angry Automobilist, over and out >:D

We Really Are The Weakest Link..

Borrowed from thedailymail.co.uk, Reuters.com, and Richardpettinger.com

Here's a compilation of some of the funniest and stupidest responses to quiz shows both on television and on the radio.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for "cherrypickers" and "cheesemongers"?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er. . .

Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant: (Silence.)

Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant: Walked?

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm.

White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . .?

Contestant: Strong.

White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis.

White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What's the capital of Italy?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO, Wolverhampton

DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM, Bristol

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM, Ireland

Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The. .?

Caller: Mohicans.

RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))

Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

A: Forrest Gump.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Q: What is the world's largest continent?

A: The Pacific

RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))

Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er. . .

Presenter: He makes bread. . .

Contestant: Err...

Presenter: He makes cakes . .

Contestant: Kipling Street?

Presenter: Which Danish city is famous for its statue of a mermaid?

Contestant: Denmark.

Presenter: In what year did the Second World War start?

Contestant: 1918.

Presenter: No, the Second. Try again.

Contestant: Err... 1937.

Presenter: How many wheels are there in a unicycle?

Contestant: Three.

Presenter: What is origami?

Contestant: A herb.

Presenter: How many metres are there in a kilometre?

Contestant: Three.

Presenter: Which Spanish island is famous for hosting lots of trendy parties?

Contestant: Spain.

Presenter: How do you call the big pole in the middle of a ship?

Contestant: Pass.

Presenter: What kind of creature is a halibut?

Contestant: A bird.

Presenter: No, wrong. Try again.

Contestant: A ferret.

Presenter: What's the Prince of Wales's Christian name?

Contestant: Err...

Presenter: Here's a clue: he was married to Diana.

Contestant: Err...

Presenter: It begins with a "C".

Contestant: No idea.

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?

BREAKFAST SHOW (RADIO 1)

Chris Moyles: Which 's' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?

Contestant: Ummm. . .

Moyles: It begins with 's' and rhymes with 'perm'.

Contestant: Shark.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er . . . Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)

Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.

THE VAULT (ITV)

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?

Contestant: Basketball.

DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)

Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord Of The Rings?

Contestant: Enid Blyton.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ?

Contestant: Jelly.

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)

Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.

Team: Chedpit.

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)

Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?

Contestant: Six.

Tufnell: Higher!

Contestant: Five.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)

Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?

Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'j' is where two roads meet?

Contestant: Jool carriageway?

QUIZMANIA (ITV)

Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with T.

Contestant: Doctor.

Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.

Contestant: Oh, (pause) Doctor.

BIG QUIZ (LBC)

Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.

Contestant: Lepers.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)

Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?

Contestant: I need a clue.

Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?

Contestant: Cartons?

TALKSPORT

Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have?

Caller: Two.

Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab...?

Caller: Five.

MAGIC 52 (NORTH-EAST ENGLAND)

Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?

Contestant: Erm...

Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.

Contestant: 1965?

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? (ITV)

Chris Tarrant (asking the audience): 'Jambon' is the French for which food?

11 per cent of the audience: Jam.

DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)

DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?

Contestant: Wales.

JANICE FORSYTH SHOW (BBC RADIO SCOTLAND)

Forsyth: What is India's currency?

Contestant: Ramadan.

OWEN MONEY SHOW (BBC RADIO WALES)

Money: In 30 seconds, name as many well-known politicians as you can.

Caller: Er. . . Tony Brown. . . and Nigel Benn. (Silence.)




THE WEAKEST LINK

Q: "Which fictional film character in Star Wars beginning Jar Jar (pronounced Zsa Zsa) was voted most irritating film character of all time?"

A: "Zsa Zsa Gabor"

Q: "no it wasn't Zsa Zsa Gabor - it is of course Jar Jar Binks" (look of great condescension from Anne :)

OTHERS:

Presenter: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant: Forrest Gump

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the

name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Presenter: In which European city was the first opera house

opened in 1637?

Contestant: Sydney

Presenter: Where did the D-Day landings take place?

Contestant: (after pause) Pearl Harbor?

Hope this made you LOL like I did xD